Better Than Ezra
“If there’s a feelin’ comin’ over me
Seems like it’s always understood this time of year
Well I know there’s a reason to change (this time of year)
Yeah I know there’s a time for us (this time of year)
Ya think about the good times, and you live with all the bad (this time of year)” By Kevin Griffin
For some folks, this time of year is the highlight of their lives. You know the lady who started decorating for Christmas in October. The family who are on the news because they have ten thousand lights. For other folks, it is a reminder of all that they have lost. Depending on our plans, I fall somewhere in between. If we have nothing to do, then this is the worst time of year. For luck’s sake, we have relatives coming to visit and want to go sightseeing. Thank you for asking if you could visit.
Casually, I’ll mention to my husband, maybe we should put up a tree. I’ve started baking and putting things in the freezer. The house smells of butter cookies.
In a few short days it will be Chanukah, and I’ll take out the menorah. My heart will ache as I see all those Chanukahs when my family was alive. Mom would decorate the table with a mirror and thousands of dreidels. My oldest brother, being competitive, invented the great dreidel spinoff. We would see who could spin the greatest number of dreidels while Mom cleared the table and brought out dessert. None of us thought of helping her. We’d be too busy spinning dreidels and arguing over some minutiae.
Christmas was the other people’s holiday. We had to work at my dad’s store until Christmas Eve. If we were lucky, a movie would be on the agenda for Christmas day, unless we were all too tired from wrapping slippers for the customers. And for dinner, I feel like my family invented the cliché of going out for Chinese food. After all, what other restaurant was open? What other choice did we have?
Later in life, I met my husband. His family is Lutheran. Now I had a plan. We spent Thanksgiving and Chanukah with my family and Christmas with his. His sister moved to Philadelphia, and this was great; we could all meet in one central place. But his mom and dad are gone now; they left us over five years ago.
On those holidays when life was empty, we would pretend that it was just another day. Nothing special, we’d find things to do. Go for a hike. My husband would try to cheer me up and take me to a movie. My mother passed the day after Christmas in 2018. I joked, “How could a respectable Jewish woman die on Christmas day?” This too is a reminder of the holidays, of our losses, our gains.
You hear people say, this is the best of times, or the worst. But this year we have company coming for Christmas. Our lights will be on. It will be warm in our home, with a fire on display. I will cook Swedish meatballs, my mother-in-law’s recipe. I’ll think of her when my hands are in the ground meat. I’ll think of her when the meatballs brown in the pan, and we will all give thanks when we bite into her delicious morsels of her hearth and home.
Anderson Cooper has a podcast for bereaved people. I’ve never listened, but I bet I could win. My oldest brother died on my first wedding anniversary to my present husband. My dad passed two years later. I lost my mom in 2018, and my middle brother in March 2019, only five months later. So go on, keep fighting with your siblings over things that don’t really matter. Go on, and fight with your dad about something that happened when you were twelve. It’s what happens this time of year. I’d give anything to have one more fight with any family member of mine, or maybe just a hug and love, this time of year.
Here’s the thing. Plan. Don’t be sad. Find some friends. Go on a picnic. Look at a tree. Think of the good things. You are alive; you get to see the sun rise tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the one after that. Too cold, meet on Zoom or FaceTime and have a meal. Forgive me, religious people; it’s just a day. Being alone is awful. I know I’ve done it. There is no escaping the holidays alone. It’s the worst. But fear not, soon it will be tomorrow, the day after Christmas, the sales, the cycle starts all over again, and on to the new year. We can watch Anderson and Andy make “asses” of themselves, but at least we are not alone. And besides, it’s hilarious!
Now let’s look forward to 2026. And those dreadful resolutions. I’ve never bothered. I’ve only made calendars on New Year’s Day and think about what the New Year might bring. Time to look forward to all the New Year promises and adventures 2026 offers. So go on. “Seems like we are always misunderstood this time of year.”
